Don't Be That Guy!

photo uploaded to flickr by arimooreGood afternoon, visitors and potential visitors to Washington. It has come to my attention that I have failed you. I’ve been spending my time giving advice on any number of esoteric topics, instead of the information you really need. I’ve told you what time of the year to visit Washington. I’ve pointed you to the bathrooms of the National Mall. I’ve even fruitlessly attempted to get you to stand on the right.

This is all good advice. I stand by it. But I have failed you in that I have yet to mentionthe most unforgivable of all Washington sins: Do not under any circumstances, for any reason, at any time, leave your bag, parcel, bundle, suitcase, expired grandfather, or whatever by itself.

I know, I know, this is not second nature to you like it is to us. I also know (and often complain about) that security can be somewhat ham-fisted and occasionally misdirected in this town. But none of that matters. When you leave your bag lying around, we end up having to shut the area down, wait for the appropriate security apparatus to check it out, and get the all clear. The good news: police agencies have this down to a science in DC. The bad news: it screws everyone else up, be it Washingtonians going about their daily business or tourists trying to see the Capitol.

This happens all the freaking time. As I write this, another report of a “suspicious package” is coming in. That makes it something like the fourth one this week, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I under-counted.

I’m not saying this is your fault. Many, many bags are left by locals. Conversely, the vast majority of visitors come to Washington without causing one of the three branches of government to shut down. But do yourself, and everyone in your vicinity, a favor: double check your possessions when you’re in DC.

Because after all, you thought leaving the toilet seat up was embarrassing....