photo uploaded to flickr by the Smithsonian Institution

The big local news this week, of course, was the short-lived hostage crisis at the Discovery Channel Headquarters in Silver Spring, MD, just outside DC. Fortunately, no one was harmed except for the poor crazy bastard who was responsible for the whole thing. (TBD)

And oh no! My absolute favorite Smithsonian exhibit will be dragged into modern times, kicking and screaming. Western Cultures, 2nd floor of the Natural History Museum, will be closed starting September 26th. The exhibit, which was delightfully dated, was originally designed in 1978, and is looking increasingly out of place as the Museum rapidly upgrades around it. Fine, I guess. Minister Cox and I will just have to find somewhere else to hang out. (WaPo)

photo uploaded to flickr by guy_incognito

I schlepped my bound volume of Ladies’ Home Journal magazines from 1909; inside were 12 sheets of Lettie Lane paper dolls that I thought might have value to someone; when the bound volume fell apart, I had paid $200 to rebind it (more on that later).  I had always been curious if they had any value or were just “interesting junk” like the rest of the tschotchkes I own.  My family immigrated in 1909 with nothing and it is not like they came from a level of society where I would assume that any of my tschotches had value.  In fact, anything I thought would have value (my stepgrandfather’s coin collection, for example) always turned out to be the aforementioned “interesting junk”.

To schlep the volume, I found a wheeled suitcase and threw the book inside.  I added a couple of pieces of jewelry because one large item was all that I could deal with.

Repeat visitors to DC are no doubt familiar with what I'm talking about. These guys hang out at the top of the Smithsonian Metro, sell maps, and offer directions. After they give their pitch, they give you a song and dance about trying to raise money for their shelter or some such nonsense, and you're on your way.

Now, I should note that these guys were not here for the Tea Party rally, on the remote chance you might have thought so. Perhaps they were just more visible Friday, as they are uniformly African-American and the Tea Partiers were uniformly not. But these gentlemen appear whenever a large gathering is expected, or for that matter, busy Saturday afternoons. I've walked by them so many times I don't notice them.

Sure, if you want to disregard our advice and drive, feel free, but parking is limited at best. For every lucky person that finds a spot along Ohio Drive, there are a dozen frustrated out of state cars circling around. And just assume you're going to get a ticket. I live here, and barely understand the enforcement of parking regulations on the Mall.

The Park Service has some handy tips from their website: "It is highly recommended that you make use of the efficient public transit system (Metro rail and Metro bus) as well as Tourmobile, the official interpretive visitor transportation service for the National Mall and Memorial Parks."

Well, great. Except that the Tourmobile costs $27 and generally sucks. And don't get me started on their ridiculous government sponsored monopoly that the Park Service gave them that hinders the "efficient public transit system" that the Park Service speaks so highly of.

photo uploaded to flickr by Mr. T in DC

But one of the greatest is about to be remedied. That's right, Washington, DC is about to get it's first ever State Fair!

This year, the good folks at the 4th Annual Columbia Heights Day have included a DC State Fair in their festivities this Saturday, August 28th. That's right folks, we've hit the big time.

photo uploaded to flickr by mr_mayer

Washington Post covers the latest must-see attraction in DC: Georgetown Cupcakes. I don't know what is the more annoying trend in DC right now: cupcakes stores or I-hate-cupcake-stores stories. Without comment, then.

Sizable chunks of the new Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial arrived in Baltimore this week after a 47-day voyage from China. The Memorial is set to open next year.

Washington, DC's Congressional Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton took the Architect of the Capitol to task for numerous safety and managment problems at the new Capitol Visitor's Center. Politico reports failures in emergency communications and protocals, as well as some more mundane quality of work issues. Expect hearings on this matter come September.

If you are a local, have been a local, planning to be a local, or just want to pretend to be a local and want to share a tip or tidbit, let me know.

The whole point of this blog is use the combined power of local knowledge to save those poor, hapless tourists you see wandering the Mall. You know who I'm talking about. The poor bastard holding the Metro map upside down, trying not to admit he's not sure if that's the Capitol or the White House, with two kids pulling him in different directions (one of them down), and a wife saying a whole lot without a single word.

I know, I know, there's a fair bit of sang froid to be had in mocking him, but he needs a hand. He doesn't need more web sites to filter through, or guide books to buy and never read; he needs the unvarnished truth that we, as locals, take for granted. Is the Newseum worth twenty bucks? When is the best time to come to Washington? And where do you pee on the National Mall?

If you have a unique local viewpoint, either a better way to see the most common destinations or an out of the way gem that visitors from afar would love to see if they only knew about, drop me a line at tim.krepp@dclikealocal.com. I'm interested both in people who wish to contribute semi-regularly as well as those who may just have one or two things to add.

I promise to pay you absolutely nothing, and may, or may not, buy you a cup of coffee someday. With a bonus of a beer if it really, really works out.

And this is just the parents.

So, before your kids turn into a molten pile of goo and your wife gives you that look, take some time to relax, buy them (and you) some ice cream, and maybe even splash around a bit. Here are some options: